Soldiers really have it tough. You’re reaching down to press the trigger, on the verge of sending a hail of bullets ripping through the internal organs of your enemy, when suddenly you freeze, unable to move. The thought has hit you, and, despite all your training, all your will, you just can’t do it. Because if you send these lead bullets tearing through organs, squishing eye-balls, shattering bones and disintegrating brain tissue, they will end up in the local ecosystem and might cause environmental damage to the water, plants and animals of the vicinity. With such thoughts before your eyes, how can you pull the trigger?

This is just a sample of the many ecological issues soldiers must contend with. Whether it’s barbecuing your opponents in trenches, and thus spreading burnt petrol throughout the fields, or revving your gas-guzzling tank to wasteful speeds to avoid oncoming shells – themselves made of non-biodegradable explosives – war is an environmental catastrophe.

Or rather, was. A joint commission between the Pentagon and Greenpeace, called project Rainbow Warrior, has started developing environmentally friendly ways of hacking, maiming, and killing opposing soldiers and civilians. Among the ideas implemented by the commission were biodegradable high-explosive shells, land-mines with DNA detectors to be sure they maim only humans, and napalm that only starts burning upon contact with synthetic substances.

More controversially, the commission has recommended the use of bullet-proofed tigers parachuted into enemy lines for natural decimation, and the design of solar-powered intelligent cruise missiles, which broadcast pacifistic messages as they dive towards their targets.

A military spokeswoman declared that new ways of killing people were always welcome at the Pentagon, and that if they were gruesome, painful and expensive, they would be that much easier to get congressional approval for.

“War is truly a terrible tragedy,” said the alliterative Greenpeace representative, “the toll it takes on the planet is horrendous. Hopefully, though, this will soon be a thing of the past, and birds, insects, and pretty little furry creatures will be able to go about their lives, completely oblivious to the humans gruesomely dying in their vicinity. And from that day forth, politicians will be able to go to war whenever they feel like it, with their conscience clear.”