In a land-mark decision, warmly applauded by one side of the political spectrum, president Bush signed the bill that granted freedom from torture to all individuals apart from those who “conspire to belong to other countries and political parties”.

Though the bill drew effusive mono-partisan support, it was delayed by last minute wrangling over some of the wording; the president had threatened to veto the whole bill unless the appearances of the word “Democrats” was replaced by “non-Republicans”. After a brief consultation with both Dick Cheney and the Presidential Committee for finding Weapons of Mass Destruction, Bush however declared that, for the moment, “Libertarians, Green party activists, Reform party members and so one, do not pose sufficient threat to our country to warrant the thumb-screws. We will still keep an eye on them and throw them into nameless jails as and when we feel is necessary to defend our great country, of course, but for the moment, the branding irons are off the cards.”

Various presidential aides claimed however that Congress – or at least that bit of it not screaming in jail – could revisit the issue at a latter date. Other provisions in the act protected non-Democrat Americans from summary execution, and set up a panel to review individual detentions “every fifty years or so.” The panel will have wide ranging powers to write polite letters to heads of prison establishments, and get upset when they don’t answer. It will also be allowed to count cracks in the ceiling, observe the drying of various paints, and compliment the president on his choice of tie.

Various technicalities were also included, such as replacing the terms “torture” with “pain awareness seminars” and “thumb-screws” with “Freedom gloves” in all official papers.

The ex-Senate majority leader Bill Frist, now reinstated after his prosecutor was dragged off hooded and screaming to Abu Ghraib, commented: “This is a great day for American democracy. Finally, we have a clear and consitent policy for detention, which wile ensure that no full blooded Republican is ever mistreated again. It brings tears to my eyes...”

The Senate minority leader, Harry Reid, interviewed on the rack, declined to comment, beyond muffled howls. There were tears in his eyes as well, however.